amerikan idol park!

hey guz im totally back! sry 4 the few days absence ive been on a helicopter out 2 isla nublar but now im here n omg i finally c simons diabolical plan.

we all no that amerikan idol is 1 of americas most evilest institutions since aarp write? well theres only 1 way that it cud get ne eviler other than joining forces w/ aarp. n thats combining forces w/ evil genetically engineered dinosaurs from an island off the coast of costa rica manufactured by a ugly old man w/ white hair n a cane w/ sum honey stuff on the end n a bug in it! it totally seemed thatz wut this place wuz!

we came up 2 sum big scurry gates. i wuz w/ my friend jeremy n niki/jess of course. these gates were big n obviously kept in sumthing big. but that wuznt even the scurriest thing! no! it wuz the sign on top!



ooo scurry. newayz we got in n totally realized simons fearsome plan. these poor bloodthirsty beasts. simon had totally crossed dino-bug genes w/ human singing genes! i heard rubens and justins n clay aikens singing everywhere. but the voices came from dinosaurs! wut had simon dun 2 them??!?! we saw a trex practicin 4 the comp!



Jeremiah: Dear God. Poor creature can't even hold the microphone up to his mouth. This is an insult to the disabled! Those with little, retard arms, that have no mobility or usefulness! You've gone too far this time, Simon. You've outdone the Muslims! And that is not an easy thing to do. You must be terrorized.... :cocks gun: ...Christian style!

jeremy wuz inspired n so wuz niki/jess! brontosauruses were singing dolly parton n that wuznt making her happy lol!

Niki/Jess: Die, gentle giant!

omg she totally shot them a few times but they just thought it wuz nats r sumthing n that pissed niki/jess off even more so she shot it sum more n it still didnt do nething. eventually she wuz just out of ammo lol.

luckily 4 us we had a plan! if simon wuz invading the dino gene pool (no not the kind u swim in lol) with good singing genes 2 make a good show mayb we cud invade the gene pool w/ bad singing genes!


2 help us we enlisted a fat nerdy guy named nedry. i had a feeling he wuz gonna die in sum totally funny way like getting spit on my a icky dino r sumthing but newayz he helped us gather 2gether sum real bad genes that we cud totally use 4 polluting the dino gene pool! sumhow he had a huge amt of...dee snyder genes! lol that wud do it. if we started infusing dinos w/ that we wud ruin simons plan 4 sure. thanx a lot dee!!!!

the battle of sexiness!

lol look at me! it wuz my catlike grace n intelligence that got me passed the merciless guards. but now i wuz inside the old folks home! oh god it smelt worse than a dead jackie wilcox after rotting 4 a weak!

newayz i wuz inside n 1 of the old ladies at the desk knew i wuz w/ mama c-crest cuz she wuz the only resident cat lady so they picked me up n carried me 2 her room lol! omg good thing i have this toned lil body!

newayz she put me dwn n i wuz in the room alone w/ her. mama c-crest!



she culdnt c very thank god she prolly wud haf fainted do 2 my hotness! newayz...

Mama C-Crest: Gigglepants? Is that you?

me!: mrrreeeow!

Mama C-Crest: Oh Gigglepants, I thought you were dead! Come here and give momma a kiss!

i wlked ovr 2 momma c-crest n licked her cheek. ewww her skin almost fell off! i almost puked up kittens as the taste of mothballs n rotting flesh filled my mouth ewww! newayz it wuz then that c-crest walked out of the bathroom n saw me! he pulled out his handgun n shot at me but i mind trick stopped it!

Mama C-Crest: Ryan! How could you! You killed Gigglepants!

C-Crest: Stay away from him, mother, he's an evil doer!

me!: no lol the evil doer is totally you!

i said that in my hella awsum evil voice lol. as i did that i mind trick pushed him against the wall n started to pull his skull off. but b4 i did he totally used a pwr of his own! not rly a specialness pwr but a pwr newayz! the pwr of sexiness!



look at that man! i totally cudnt do it! i stopped myself from killin him. i guess i DID knead info after all lol.

me!: tell me wear simon is!

C-Crest: Never!

me!: tell me or ill spank u!

C-Crest: You can't do it, can you? You can't kill me. I'm too hot to be killed. Mwahahaha. My evil plan is a success!

me!: mayb not but i cud always man rape u!

C-Crest: Hmmm. Touche. Simon's on an island by the name of Isla Nublar, off the coast of Costa Rica.

me!: sounds familiar...

C-Crest: Most of our evil plans revolve around random references of things, so it should!

me!: i c

i totally gave c-crest a wet willy then (w/ my tongue screw the licking of the fingers) he shrieked n i pranced off. i knew wear simon wuz! i cudnt kill c-crest but i guess its ok 2 leave a hot bod like that in the wrld. off 2 isla nublar lol!

infiltration!

so ive totally found c-crest! that cowardly hunky tricky man! he wuz totally helpin his mom get into a nursing home! she wuz a cat lady 2 n mrs glasses led her 2 her discrete location in isolated kentucky.

unfortunately bcuz of big c-crests present there wuz an army of amerikan idol goons out front guarding the place! as if! they were totally patrolling the place w/ assault rifles. from justin 2 kelly...2 that ugly old guy w/ gray hair! they were all their! i new i wuz gonna haf 2 go in alone incognito in order 2 get past this horde. so niki/jess n the newly revived jeremy totally hid in the bushes n i put on a disguise. here it is!!!




i wlked over sexily on all 4s 2 the person who def had 2 b the leader. i mean he wuz def the strongest hunkiest toughest nastiest lookin dude there! i rubbed my black cat butt against his leg n purred.



Clay Aiken: Oh my gosh, aren't you the cutest little thing I've ever seen! I could just die! What's your name little guy?

me!: Mreeeow. Mrylar!

Clay Aiken: Awww you're trying to talk, that is so adorable! Well, Mrylar what are you doing here?

me!: MrI mram mrMrs mrSeacrest's mrcat!!!

Clay Aiken: Oh my gosh, I can't even believe how cute you are! You should go on in to your momma before I take you home and eat you up you cute little thing!

i rubbed my kitty buty up against him 1 more time purring sexily b4 i pranced inside. i wuz totally in! now 2 find momma c-crest n baby c-crest mwahahaha!

a new grave n a old grave. the same grave (a ditch)

after my bout w/ carl weathers n nikis own adventure we got back 2gether n decided it wuz time 2 bury jeremy. we had left his stinking rotting corpse in the open back of r pickup in a 7-11 parking lot n figured it wuz best time 2 get rid of it b4 wwere suspected of hafing a rotting corpse n r truck. we also kneaded 2 visit a grave so we figured w/ cud totally kill 1 bird w/ 2 stones! we were off 2 the ditch.

we tosses jeremy into the ditch besides the skele of mr glasses'seseseseses dead mommy. i thru half a shovel of dirt on his body n figured that wuz enuf. i wuz started 2 glisten by then n i didnt want 2 get 2 sweaty n smelly lol!

i looked @ his body n totally puked in sadness. luckily wen i puke i puke kittens so thats wut came out.

at the arrival of the puke kitten a portal of fire n brimstone opened or sumthing! the evil mrs bennet descended upon us with her army of ghost kitties! the puke kitty from me recognized her as a hella cool cat lady n ran over to her. mrs bennet engulfed the kitten n flames n it scurried around in circles on fire til it totally fell dead. anuther ghost kitty joined her army lol!



me!: omg mrs glasses! u totally didnt lead us 2 simon!

Mrs. Glasses: No, I lead you to McWhiskers, which is whom I promised.

me!: but we knead simon!

Mrs. Glasses: Oh, well, you should have specified! Luckily for you, I also have a connection to that one, through the one that you call "C-Crest."

me!: but we totally lost him!

Mrs. Glasses: Indeed, but I happen to know that the Mother C-Crest is a fellow cat lady. Ryan is in Kansas, trying to put his mother in an old folks home. One...that doesn't allow pets! Beware of the catless cat lady. Such is the most vile of all evils you will ever face.

me!: thank u mrs glasses n thanx 4 the warning!

n w/ that the overly helpful n plot starting mrs glasses'seseses ghost disappeared. it wuz just me niki n two corpses in a ditch now. we were hella rdy 2 go after c-crest but b4 we did i figured i better say a few words 4 my old friend jeremy.

me!: jeremy wuz 2 young 2 die. he died at the tender age of 45. b4 his first kiss. b4 hafing a real job. y cud u not take me god?! or better yet niki/jess? i mean shes not even a hot guy! wut use is she?? instead u had 2 take the 1 guy i got the most action from! even if it wuz cpr it still totally counts! y god y?? he wuznt supposed 2 go this way! i wuz supposed 2 be the 1 2 kill him after he had outlived his usefulness n helped me destroy simon n wanted 2 try 2 convert me! i wud haf gotten a laugh seeing his face as i betrayed him n tore open his skull as he wuz in total surprise n started eating his brains while he wuz still alive! but now i wont get 2 laugh! dont u like seeing me laugh god?? y!!!!!

Jeremiah: You know, I'm still alive. And I don't appreciate your devious plan to use me and eat my brain when you're done with me. Is there anything I could do to change your mind?

i looked ovr n jeremy wuz totally standing right next to me!!! omg it wuz totally a miracle! i cud kill him after all! i beamed at him n tryed 2 give him a big kiss!

Jeremiah: Hey, now! I am breathing! No more CPR! I still taste your brain breath from then.

me!: sry. but how r u still alive?

Jeremiah: I was resurrected, obviously.

me!: huh?

Jeremiah: You know how in Mario you get a free live for every 100 coins you get? Well it's the same kind of idea in real life, only you get a free life for every 100 Muslims you kill. How else do you think the President has survived so long? He's been assassinated seven times already! But still he lives on, and you know why? The Muslim killing! Luckily, I must have JUST killed enough Muslims for my free life.

i wuz glad 2 c jeremy! niki/jess didnt really seem 2 care but she didnt kill him wen she saw him either so i guess thats better then nothing! newayz we were a team again n we were off 2 find n murder (or interrogate i mean lol) c-crest! ttyl!!!

xcape from the wicked witch of the east!

omg we totally made it out just in time as simons evil house crashed dwn on us! we strted 2 swim up 2wards the surface but it wuz a long swim n jeremy cudnt breathe underwtr like i cud! he wuz out of air n we were only halfway up 2 the surface!

i totally kneaded 2 do sumthing! i did wut ne male strait or otherwize wud do. i pressed my hot lips against his n breathed into his mouth!!! his eyes like got all wide! i thought at 1st he liked it. but then i realized i wuz not breathing air in my lungs n omg i totally pushed wtr into his lungs! whoops!

we got 2 the surface n i dragged him 2 shore. we met niki there who had sumhow xcaped in a sub! i used my pwr 2 no how things werked n realized...he wuznt werking! his heart had stopped!

i wuznt gonna lose anuther guy! not after urkman n joey! i pounded onto his chest n totally made out with him sum more! but it wuz no use. he wuz like dead! WHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHYYYYYYYYYYYYY???!

Niki/Jess: Hmmm...seems Simon's won this one, eh?

me!: NOOOooooOOOoooOOoocoOOoOOOooO!!!!!! i mean yes. we must kill him once n 4 all!

so that wuz it! we packed up jeremys bloated waterfilled corpse into r pickup truck. n got rdy 2 drive off. i wuz a sad sylar. :(

o n read my burnt toast post. i got 2 take a much kneaded break from simon hunting. til next time. a sad toodles.

simon of oz!

prev on mmmm brains...


evil simon of oz ahhhh!

and now r story continues...


Simon: Hello, Niki...or should I say, Sylarz?!?!

me!: u!!!! u urkel killer!

Simon: That's right, I killed Urkel. And for every time you try to foil me, I shall kill another '80s or '90s family sitcom star, until they are all dead! Mwahahaha! William! Bring him in!

it wuz then that that weird dude william hung came in with none other than joey lawrence! oooo wuz he dreamy i had many a fantasy about him in my younger days.

Simon: Do it.

the crazy bad singer totally stabbed the hunk n then ran away giggling like a totally unsexy hyena! NOOOoooOOoocoOOoooOOOOoOO! i caught joey as he fell down n uttered his final werds in 1 dying breath.

Joey: Whooooa!

omg he totally died in my arms! this sent me into a flying rage. omg i totally mind trick pushed myself in the air. c if i push dwn against the grnd there iz an = n opposite reaction. this is useful in rocketry...and mind trick flying! even i no a lil about inertia lol! so once i wuz in the air i pushed myself against the back wall n sent myself flying at him like a cheerleader toss gone awry that sends her into the stands killing multiple fans w/ her razor sharp toenails as she lands! i did the same thing doing a spinning rocket death kick that wud shirley stop simon!

but it didnt werk! i like just totally went threw him like he wuz a ghost or sumthing! brrr i h8 ghosts they r scurry!

Simon: You, idiot! I'm not really a giant, misty head! I'm not even really here! Misty heads with booming voices are just my way of communicating with my allies! You see, this is my scheming room, where we get together and scheme evil plans! It is also my summer home.

me!: o. then wut r u doing here tlking 2 me?

Simon: I've come to make you an offer. You see, I am an evil doer. But the irony here is, so are you. You lobotimized Britney Spears, attempted to assassinate the President, sporked a professor to a ceiling, and perhaps worst of all, gave an emo child a haircut! It makes little sense that an evil doer of your magnitude would fight with me. You'd think that your arch nemesis would be a good guy, not a villain. And I, Sylar, am the most villainous of villains. My proposition, then, is this: we join forces. Our villainy could take on the good guys, like Jack Bauer! Or Jack Shepard! Or Jack Sparrow! Hmmm, there are a lot of good guys named Jack. Good thing our mum didn't choose that name for us, eh? It's like a death sentence! Kind of like being sentenced to be homosexual by being named Bruce, Lance, or Gabriel.

me!: i may b evil but i wud nvr kill a urkman! ill never join u! nvr!

Simon: Very well. I'm afraid I'm going to have to destroy you then, Sylar. You see, my American Idol Air Strike Force has just flown out to sea, and dropped my Kansas summer home into the water, directly above us. In mere minutes, the house will descend upon our location, crushing The Wicked Witch of the East, which happens to be the name of this base, even though it is in the Western Hemisphere and off the West Coast of the United States. Regardless, you shall be destroyed!!!

me!: but! ud destroy 2 of ur homes just 2 kill me?!

Simon: Please. After these two are destroyed, there shall still be 17 left. And while two fall, five more shall rise in their place. Mwahahahaha!

it wuz then that there wuz a crash. the house wuz like on top of us! this caused a trapdoor in the ceiling 2 open n jeremy fell dwn on the grnd next 2 me!

me!: jeremy! come on weve gotta get out of here!!!

Simon: Not so fast! Monkeys! Destroy them! Do not let them leave!



omg freakin monkeys came descending down from the rafters then! they cud fly! the icky beasts descended upon me like a elevator thats going dwn! xcept 1 that has icky monkey hands and smells like poo! they slapped n clawed at me and i shrieked! my sissiness wuz preventing me from using my mind trick! n jeremy wuz incapacited from the fall! either that or he wuz being lazy...that may actually b it. newayz he talked 2 me!

Jeremiah: Sylar! You have to calm down! You're our only hope of escape! You need to use your telekinesis! Kill the cursed beasts from the underworld! I have fallen down and I can't get up!

I have fallen down and I can't get up!

the werds rang w/ me. urkman! i kneaded 2 prevail so i cud avenge him. w/ the scream of a constipated giraffe i activated my super mind trick! monkey brainz were exposed n quickly eaten! the corpses of the vile critters lay b4 me lol!

after the last monkey wuz dead jeremy stood up!

Jeremiah: I've gotten up. Now let's get out of here!

we ran n ran n ran all the while we heard simons evil laughter echoing bhind us! we got back 2 the dock but found our sub had detached. o no!!! the glass cracked n broke n water totally got into the base. omG i hated getting all wet wen i wuznt xpecting it! the room starting filling up with water n the frame of the base wuz barely holding the kansas house up!

finally the wtr lvl wuz hi enuf! we swam 2wards the hole in the glass n tried 2 get out! i heard creaks in the frame as it collapsed n the house came crashing down on top of us!!!!!!!!!!!!!



...

........

..........

omg r we dead lolz?!?! ull have 2 wait til 2morrow 2 find out!!!

Death by Tuna

Guest poster: Niki
sylarz returns in 1 day!!!!!!

Niki here, stopping by at Sylar's request to share my showdown with the Cat Lady with him and all his readers. Don't worry, he'll show his pretty face again tomorrow when he finally faces his arch enemy, Simon. Now, where to begin…

Sylar was leading and the holy man was at my side when all of a sudden I was plunged into darkness. I was falling, but I stayed calm, knowing that my ninja like skills would grace me with a smooth landing. Jessica had been in control for a while, but her hatred of the feline species was stronger than her pride, and I could smell reek of the evil creatures even as I fell.

I hit the bottom with a quick tumble and jumped to my feet. Sure enough, the eyes of thousands of devil spawn were on me. Watching as I took in my surroundings, carefully and silently. There seemed to be a bridge ahead. I made my way through the darkness until I reached the foot of it. Sparkly gold letters read "Follow the yellow paws". Seems like my nemesis not only loved cats, but also the Wizard of Oz. Another log to fuel the fire of hate that burns inside the furnace that is my heart!



I crossed the bridge, looking down from time to time. If this was a trick, I'd have to be just as cat-like as she! I could see what looked like mountains of kitty litter below. Shiny blue gems gleamed up between the glowing eyes of the devil spawn. Must be Fresh Step. Too bad it didn't help the smell.

The other side of the bridge revealed a slim passage way. Dog skulls were mounted on the stone walls, their mouths serving as holders for bone shaped torches. These cats had a sick sense of humor.

The paw steps continued into an enormous room. Cats hissed and clawed in an orgy of feline cries. "Show yourself!" I yelled. The noise died down completely and thousands of glaring eyes shot to me. An old wheezy hiss echoed from somewhere ahead.

The sea of shiny eyes parted like I was Moses himself! Except a blond, sexy, and leaning more towards atheism Moses. Mosa. There, that sounds better. Or Mora, I always like that name. If I ever went into the Adult film industry… well, that's a thought better to be saved for another blog post!

With the masses divided I had a clear view of the Cat Lady's Scratching Post of Doom. It stood tall with no land below it, supported solely by a pair of thick chains at top. My hand rested on my gun, in case I had to blow any brave kittens away. I walked until I was close enough to see the Cat Lady's evil eyes in the darkness of her lair.

"You're on your ninth life" I called. "Let's end this, woman to freakish cat woman."

What I didn't realize then was that she had undergone some terrible transformation. Years spent in the company of no one but these Meow Mix eating fiends had slowly begun her development of catish characteristics.

I couldn't help but notice that there was little human left to her as the beast dove at me.

She was quick, but I was quicker. I rolled forward and she landed a fair distance behind me. Her size was gigantic. She was bigger than any cat I'd ever seen, and I've seen my share of cougars.

"You've gotten uglier!" I exclaimed in shock. I never imagined she could become more hideous than she had been!

It was apparent that her human voice was forever lost when she responded "yeaaaw"

We circled each other slowly, our eyes glaring, our muscles tense, in typical showdown fashion, when she lept at me again. Sighing, I glanced at something I'd noticed upon walking in: the giant tuna cans stored on the ledges above us. Taking aim, I shot at a large crack under one of the cans. With a loud thunder it came rolling down, heading straight for us. I moved aside, narrowly avoiding a collision with the speeding tuna. The Cat Lady's eyes grew large and she sprang for the safety of her scratching post lair. She picked the wrong hole however, and the can of tuna hit her head on, spilling tuna juice all over her beastly body. Looked like I wouldn't get the Hollywood showdown I deserved.

She cried out in agony as all of her kitty minions sprang at her, hungry for a lick of tuna juice. I listened to her death cries with a smile. They were beautifully excruciating.



When the bloodcurdling shrieks stopped, I realized my vengeance had been fulfilled. She would never spoon spank another child again. The feline army was still gathering around the scratching post, and I noticed a few hungry glances flashing my way. I decided to make my escape before I overstayed my welcome.

Sylar and the holy man could handle themselves, I decided, abandoning any thought of searching for a way back up from where I came. Instead I proceeded deeper into a set of tunnels behind the Scratching Post of Doom.

Luckily for me the Cat Lady had a submarine stored in a hidden section of the base. I emptied the bags of cat litter abandoned inside and started the button mashing process. It worked with Mortal Combat, and everyone knows video game strategies are pretty reliable.

The doors opened below the sub and I was on my way. Passing Howard Dean's bloated body brought another smile to my face. Hopefully Sylar and the holy man will find me on the surface. Surely they couldn't have been defeated…

Fishing for Truth!!!

Guest poster: Spoon Fed
sylarz returns in 2 days!

This was the mission to end all missions!!!!

I was after a great EVIL-DOER!!!

For years, six seasons and counting, he has been sending manipulative messages using subliminal signals hidden in heinous insults and riverdance!!!!!

Thanks to an order he placed on eBay, I found his hidden lair! He bought two tons of bananas and a pig, obviously he was up to evil! The shipping instructions gave coordinates in the ocean to drop a waterproof package! I had to get there!! I'd need a Mexican fisherman for this.

Luckily, I found one. Se llama Paco, whatever that means!! I stood on the dock and yelled at him. "Quick!! You must get me to here now or we'll all die!!!"

He showed me his crab.



I slapped the conspirator out of his hands, sending it back to the depths of the ocean to plan their crab uprising. A problem that would have to wait. Simon was the bigger threat!

Several hours later (Mexican time) we arrived at the location. I hooked up with satellites in space and was able to get a GPS signal!! "This is it!" I screamed into the fisherman's face. I quickly disrobed and equipped my scuba outfit.

"Joo go underwater?" the man said to me.

"How do you know I'm Jewish??!?!?!" I grabbed the man by his mustache and ripped it off. Just as I suspected!!!

He was none other than Howard Dean!! An evil-doer who recently failed to become a grand evil-doer. I thought he had gone away, quit the evil business. I thought wrong!! He was back and attempting to thwart me!

I spit in his face! "Take that! I voted for Lieberman!!!"

"Ha! You would," he said, pulling out a handkerchief. He wiped the spit from his face. "He's nothing but a Republican in a blue tie."

As I was about to offer my rebuttal, he Kung Fu-ed me in the face! I fell backwards off the boat!!! My oxygen tank was weighing me down! I kept descending further and further into the ocean!!! It was what they planned all along!

I had to do something. I started kicking my feet! The flippers worked wonders on the water and I was propelled downward toward a large underwater base!!

"This must be Simon's headquarters," I said in bubbly underwater talk!

And then I saw undeniable proof! I must have proof before breaking into underwater bases. It would be unethical to barge into someone's base mistakenly. But this base had a submarine attempting to dock with it. Not just any submarine!!! It was a submarine flying a Islamic flag!!!

Muslims...the new Nazis, as I call them! Simon had clearly made a pact with the devil! This particular Islamofundamentalist was crashing into everything and everyone in his way! It's like he couldn't parallel park. It's a wonder how these people get their taxi license!

Like a cat, I darted...well, like an aquatic cat, I darted into the...well, maybe like a fish...I...like a flounder! I darted, like a flounder, around to the back of the base.

Then I saw the door! It was a big door! A scary door! A door of few words!! But the words were important and to the point!

"SIMON'S SECRET ENTRANCE"

I went inside!!

It was dark!

The door vacuumed shut behind me. I was trapped! And I could not see a thing!!

I scanned the area for computers. Surely an elaborate underwater base would have their lighting on a remotely controlled system!

Scanning...scanning...

"Security Cameras Off"

Hmm...

"Trap Doors Off"

Nope...

"Lights Off"

There! What the heck, I'll turn 'em all on!

"Security Cameras On"

"Trap Doors On"

"Lights On"

The light nearly blinded me. Suddenly I could see where I was. It was Simon's room. But I didn't see him anywhere!!

Then I saw it. The most offensive thing I've ever seen!! A Christmas tree!! Who puts a Christmas tree in their bedroom?!?! They do!! It must be an evil Christmas tree!

I walked over and saw a large window looking down into what was obviously the scheming room! I could feel the eerie presence of schemes long gone. It terrified me to think of the evil that must have been schemed within that room.

Then, three people walked up. More evil-doers!

But they weren't. One girl fell down a hole. The guy was pulled up by a rope! Leaving the one girl all alone by herself!

Then he appeared!! Simon Cowell!!! His huge head talked to the lady. I yelled at her, "Destroy Simon!!" She ignored me!! Perhaps she couldn't hear me!! She was distracted by the giant head and didn't even notice them approaching from the rafters!! "Look up you fool!" I warned!

But my warning went unheard. Unheard by the woman, at least. It did seem to attract the attention of Simon's most sinister underling.

"Hold it right there, missy!" he said.



"A simple henchman is no match for Spoon Fed!" I said!

He replied, "I'm no henchman. I'm the pool boy!"

"Why would anyone have a pool in an underwater base????"

"It's called eccentricity," he said.

"Oh," I replied! I kicked up my foot and pulled off my flipper. "Bring it!" I said taunting him with it!!

He lunged at me with a scream and I slapped him with the scuba shoe!!

He fell into the Christmas tree! As I was about to finish him off, I received a message from cyberspace.

"Help, Help, Hana Help!!"

It was the man in horn-rimmed glasses!! He needed me! This was my chance to get the truth!!! And maybe kill him! If he's still evil!!

I left the man sitting with an angel in his butt and opened Simon's Secret Door. I swam back up to the ocean. My boat was there, but Mr. Dean was no where to be seen! I took off my scuba gear!!

As soon as I got fully dressed, he appeared! He must have been hiding in the tackle box! He swung at me, and I dodged! Then I kicked him in the chest and sent him flying out of the boat.

"Yeeeeeeeeeaaaaaah!!!!!" he screamed before drowning to death!

Battle of the Henchman!

Guest Poster: Jeremiah Bartholomeau Christ the XVII

Greetings all! The name's Jeremiah Bartholomeau Christ the XVII! Have you found God in your life? Does Jesus' love light your path? I hope so! But I can't get into all this conversion talk right now. I'm afraid my "master," as he likes to be called, may be worried about me. Though we all know there is only one TRUE master of any being. Anyways, here I am, recording the events of my recent battle in Sylar's blog so he may ease his mind.

After ascending to what I thought to be Heaven, I realized I was just in a darkened room. Figures. Anyways I stood in darkness for a while, until the lights flipped on, and I realized that while I may not be in Heaven, I was at the next best place: the set of Deal or No Deal! I had always suspected that NBC filmed it in a secret underwater lair!

Anyways, the studio was empty, and I knew there was going to be a confrontation. This was the evil lair of Simon Cowell and his minions, after all. After a moment, HE stepped out of the shadows, standing before me.



Howie: Hi!

Jeremiah: Howie Mandel?! You are in allegiance with Simon?

Howie: Well, no, not exaactly. But he is.

Howie pointed to a window on the top level of the set. In the shadows sat the evil banker, one of Simon's most trusted allies. I gulped when I realized what was up against.

Jeremiah: I have to stop him!

Howie: I'm afraid...you're going to have to get through me.

Jeremiah: But...you're Howie Mandel! Everyone knows you're the cleanest soul around! You even have a soul patch! I can't kill you!

Howie: Few, well, that's a relief. I can't kill people, either. I try to look like a tough guy with this bald head and soul patch, but really, I'm a pretty boy.

Jeremiah: So...what do we do now?

All of a sudden, the phone rang. Howie answered it.

Howie: Hello?
Uh huh....Yeah...Ok, I'll tell him.

Howie hung up the phone and looked at me.

Howie: He wants to offer you a deal. He says that I am one of the worst henchman he's ever had working for him. He wants a replacement. He wants that replacement to be you. All you have to do is kill me, and then you can work for him for better pay than whatever your current henching fee is. So what'll it be, Deal...or No Deal?

Jeremiah: I can't kill you!

Howie: He's waiting for an answer.

Howie flipped open the box. Underneath it was a shiny button. It looked so pretty and red, and begged me to press it. But I was stoic! I slammed down the cover to the box and shouted "No Deal!" triumphantly.

The phone rang again, and Howie answered. He talked with the banker for a moment, and hung up.

Howie: He says you've got him on the ropes. His offer's gotten even better. Now, it's the same offer as before, AND you get baptized by a holy man, AND he'll let you convert him, AND he'll give you free Muslims to kill every week. All you have to do is kill me. So what do you say. Deal....or No Deal?

The shiny button was uncovered again. This was quite the inticing offer! That banker really knew how to play hard ball. He was a villain of the highest order! I looked over to the area where my friends would be. Of course, it was empty. This was not fair! I had no one to discuss this situation with! Or did I? How could I have forgotten: God, he'd know the answer! I knelt down to pray.

....

Awww, God didn't want me to do it, He said the sin of killing Howie Mandel could never be forgiven. With great disappointment, I shut the cover to the box, and said meekly, "No deal."

Howie: Hmmm, it seems we are in a stalemate.

Jeremiah: Indeed.

The phone rang one more time. Howie answered and talked to the banker. He hung up.

Howie: Alright, here's the deal. He says that since it seems you're not willing to bend on the whole "killing Howie" issue, and since I'm too incompetant to destroy you myself, he says he'll let you go if you at least kick me in the nuts. So what do you think of that? Deal...or no deal?

Well, that one didn't take much thought. With a swift kick to the holy Howie's groin, I shouted "Deal!" Confetti dropped and music blared as I won the game! The banker said that he would let me go as soon as Sylar's confrontation with Simon was complete. Now, all I have to do is sit here and wait til that happens. I wonder how Niki is doing?

quiet...2 quiet...

so we got 2 the underwater base but there wuz like a prob! i had 2 dock the sub. i cud nvr parallel park lol! i rammed it into the glass a couple times n cracked it a lil. i finally docked the sub b4 the glass broke. thank goodness i didnt break it that wud haf...wait a min... that wud haf killed simon! lol o well showdowns r alwayz fun!

newayz the 3 of us entered the base. it wuz dark n quiet...2 quiet...espec 4 the haven of a amerikan idol nazi. niki n jeremy both looked this way n that. i sat dwn n filed my nails while they searched around 4 evillness. i felt weird...like i wuz being watched r sumthing! i thought i saw glowing eyes in the shadows but i wuznt shure. i shud be familiar with gazing from the shadows since i use 2 do that all the time but i guess ive gotten rusty with all this boy lusting n simon hunting. newayz it wuz then that it happened! thats right kitten attack!


me!: its in my hair! get it off! get it off!

it wuz then that the kat ladys army attacked! kittens surrounded us from all angles n the big bad serial killer of the team wuz incapicated! well i guess we were all cereal killers even the holy 1 but u kno wut i mean! how cud the 2 of them survive the cats w/o me??!

Niki/Jess: Cats! The perfect opportunity to test the cat-like quickness of my ability!

she put her gun away n started snapping kitty necks. the clawed n scratched at her but niki/jess wuz 2 quick!

Jeremiah: Felines, eh? Well, everyone knows that such creatures, as well as anything else not human, lack souls and have no salvation in Heaven waiting, so I don't think ridding the world of their hollow vessels of flesh would be sinful.

jeremy pulled out his m16 n began gunning down r feline attackers! but of course while all this killing wuz going on they left poor me gettin thrashed by the kitty on me! finally wen all the other kitties were dead niki/jess put a single round in the cat on my back lolz. dead kitties everywhere! sum1 had been killin sum kittens lolz!

newayz we moved on n reached a dead end. all of a sudden these green lights went on. we stood there waiting 4 sumthing 2 happen. a trapdoor opened were niki wuz standin in she fell! oh no! then all of a sudden a rope came down from the ceiling and lassoed jeremy n strted pulling him up!

Jeremiah: Yes, my Lord, take my unto thy bosom in your Heavenly kingdom!

he disappeared into a whole in the ceiling. hmmm odd how niki n jeremy stepped on such convenient locations where small 3x3 foot traps were n i didnt so i cud be alone 2 confront wutever lied ahead which wud prolly b my nemesis! newayz then green smoke came. all of a sudden an image popped up



Simon: Hello, Niki. Or should I say...Sylarz?!?!

oh snap it wuz simon! looked like r showdown wuz about 2 happen...but i wuz worried about my friendz (yes i do haf emotions other than lust n hate lol). i wunder wut happened 2 them?

sharkman vs sylarz!

so i wuz totally swimming underwtr n mind trick pushin the sub w/ my team in it towards simons secret base wen i totally got ambushed! remember that romantic day w/ mohindy i had wen i stole the breathing guys pwrs? well he wuz totally back only this time in shark form!

it seemed the shark itself had a pwr...the pwr 2 meld its dna with other peeps that it eats! well it seemed the shark dna melded with the tastey underwater breather guy meal n he totally bcame shark man! we faced off in a death match...a match that wud be faut 2 the death!



he attacked by trying 2 seduce me flexing his bulging manly hunky hot muscles. luckily tho i wuz well prepared in my princess outfit n i countered by batting my eyelashes n pinching my nipples! i thought it wuz werking sharkman seemed 2 be falling for me. he opened his mouth lustily! n then he totally 8 me lol!

as i werked my way thru sharkmans body i came across the rest of underwater breathing dude. his body wuz infused into the sharky n tho brainless he seemed able 2 talk, prolly reanimated thru the sharks life force

Gary: Kill me...kill me...

me!: i all ready did silly lolz! well i made this sharky kill n eat u neway. i stole ur brain!

Gary: You...you did this to me?

me!: yup! ur brian tasted good!

Gary: Please then...be merciful...finish me.

me!: but...u haf no brian 2 eat. i all ready 8 it!!!

Gary: Please...to speak is like to endure the pain of a cheetah tearing apart my innards, yet you carry on like we're at a high school lunch table.

me!: omg did u hear about mr glasses??! he is like totally captured! i cant even belief it.

Gary: Please...mercy...

me!: n mohindy cud u even belief it?! i thought we rly had something but then he tried 2 kill me...oh ur sharky half is trying 2 digest me cud u cut that out i still haf a lot more 2 talk about. omg doesnt peter look better w/ the hair cut i gave him? i think he looks prty sexy now! 2 bad ill prolly haf 2 kill him after simon. n svetlana! she wuz in reality tv jail! im glad shes out now tho.

Gary: Can't...take...mindless...gossip!!!

i think gary totally tried 2 control his sharky half bcuz all of a sudden i got pushed away from him further down the digestive track!! i wuz about 2 be pooed out by a shark man!!! n i cudnt haf that so i pushed as hard as i cud in evry direction w/ my mind trick n exploded sharky man! i wuz free in his guts were floating evrywhere!

luckily tho i think i saw gary floating still connected 2 sum sharky part n still alive! lol im so glad! i hope he has fun dwn here in the bottom of the c w/ no way to move or mercy kill himself but i had to get back 2 the sub n keep heading there! the base wuz in my sites! til next time! toodles!

uss terrorism!

so my posse n me headed 2 a naval base in cali! i had super underwater breathing pwrs but my partners didnt :( we kneaded a sub but jeremy wuz being whiney about stealin n killin being sins. niki/jess wanted 2 kill him but i thought of a better idea. while we were plotting in r hotel room i snuck out sneakily saying it wuz my time of the month n disappearing in the bathroom n jumping out the window!

it wuz a mere 2 hour drive til i got there. my car spontaneously combusted 4 sum reason once i got there lol prolly cuz i crashed it into a ship (sumhow). newayz i wuz successfully snuck in n i planted the evidence 2 get jeremy 2 help!



a mere 1 hr supper speed walk back n i wuz back in the bathroom. i came out n jeremy asked wut took so long n i said morning sickness. lol im so tricky!

newayz we went 2 the base the next day n wen jeremy saw the flag on the ship he went berserk!

Jeremiah: Heathens! Usurpers of the Lord! They must be destroyed!

silly jeremy pulled out the trusty m16 he always kept tucked away in the crotch of his pants n niki wuz always up 4 a good killin so we were rdy 2 go!

as we wlked up 2 the sub all armed with weapons n stuff army peeps started attackin us.

sylarz: omg like cover me lol!

niki n jeremy started gunning peeps dwn as i totally walked towards the sub. i mind tricked ne bullets that came my way in that totally awsum way i did wen mohindy broke my heart n tried 2 kill me.

i made my way on the sub. instead of military peeps tho there seemed 2 be curators n tour guides lol. they were unarmed but that didnt stop me from mind tricking open there skullz! i also chowed down on a few brains on my way dwn 2 the control room as i wuz hungry n hadnt had brians in a while!

i made it 2 the control room n instead of a pilot or xo their theyre wuz totally a head historian!

sylarz: like i totally knead control of this boat lolz!

Historian: Please, sir, I can't help you. This ship has been decommissioned. It can't be used! Please don't hurt me.

sylarz: de-composed? awwww ive eaten rotten brians b4 their not that bad!

Historian: No, I mean this submarine is not operational.

sylarz: operation? i luv that game lol!

Historian: No, no! You can't go places with this ship! It is stuck here! it doesn't move.

sylarz: oh poo

Historian: Please, spare me! I have a wife and kids!

well now THAT wuz just a silly idea lol! i mind tricked his head n feasted on his brian. being a historian he wuz prty smart n his brain tasted totally good! newayz niki/jess n jeremy joined me on the ship. they had killed a lot of peeps 4 nothing lol! or maybe not. i had a totally awsum idea!

i got out of the sub n used my underwater breathing pwr! i mind trick pushed the sub towards r destination. it wuz heavy. good thing i haf such a strong mind muscle lolz! newayz we were headed towards cat lady n simon now! getting closer 2 the showdown! toodles lol!

step 1 locate simon!

so hear we r! on r path 2 finally destroy simon once n 4 all. i had my new bff niki/jess on my side as well as a knew henchman! their wuz 1 problem tho. simon had disappeared! no 1 knew where he wuz! he kneaded 2 find sum1 with a connection.

unfortuantely the most obvious 1 the diabolical c-crest had also gone into hiding. there wuz no siting of him newear! i new 1 day tho r paths wud cross agin n then id totally kill him 4 sending me 2 the cat ladys lair!

newayz we had 1 othr connection n that wuz thru the cat lady herself. n evry1 nos that antisocial cat ladys like 2 socialize w/ each othr n we new 1 othr such kitty lady! mr glasses'seseses mommy!

unfortunately 4 us she wuz like totally dead. but i knew 1 thing that peeps of god like n thats seances! i pulled out my ouiji board that i alwayz kept on hand 4 situations such as this n we used my navigater skills 2 totally find the ditch by the road she wuz decaying in lol.

we found her ewww her brain had gone bad (sry mr glasses i took a taste). we set up the ouiji board n set 2 it lol!

Jeremiah: I find this to be quite sacrilegious.

Niki/Jess: Quiet, holy man! Mrs. Bennet? Is your spirit in the area?

omg the slider totally moved 2 the yes answr w/ like no influence at all from me! i giggled a lil

Jeremiah: Sweet Jesus' Ghost! She answered!

i strted 2 giggle a little more n all of a sudden wuz in full guffaw! the others looked @ me.

Niki/Jess: Sylar, hon, did you move it yourself?

me!: :giggles: no! :giggles:

niki pulled out her gun n pointed it at my lil head!

me!: u no that cant hurt me! :giggles:

b4 she cud shoot me tho the spirit appeared b4 us!



Mrs. Bennet: Who dares wake me from my slumber at my eternal resting spot, half buried on the side of the highway?

sylarz: itz me mrs glasses sylarz! we r lookin 4 the location of a fello cat lady named mcwhiskers!

Mrs. Bennet: For such information, I will require one living soul.

sylarz: ok wich 1 of u guys wants 2 die?

Jeremiah: No! We cannot turn on each other so quickly. We have no such soul for you, spectral entity. What now?

Mrs. Bennet: No living soul? Then you must die!

she wuz vengeful she wanted 2 kill us n since i had 2 be a good boy i cudnt give her a living soul! flames shot from her eyes n burned my skin!

Niki/Jess: Stop her, holy man! Exorcise her!

Jeremiah: I can't! Jehovah's Witnesses is not a real religion! We have no influence with anything spiritual!

sylarz: wait she doesnt want a human spirit! i no wut she kneads!

it wuz then that i opened my mouth...n vomited out a kitten! lol didnt u kno i had the pwr 2 vomit kittens? come on now im 2 cute 2 be puking puke! gosh! newayz i handed the vomited kitten 2 mrs bennet n she calmed down. she crushed its skull with her spectral fist n added a kitten 2 her ghostly collection!

Mrs. Bennet: It is common knowledge where all cat ladies assemble. Anyone with half a brain knows this. What do cats hate more than anything?

sylarz: lack of brainz?

Niki/Jess: Life?

Jeremiah: Water!

Mrs. Bennet: Indeed, water. So, by that logic, you will be able to find McWhiskers in an underwater base off the coast of California.

Jeremiah: But...that makes no sense!

Mrs. Bennet: Doesn't it? Or does it make so much sense that you have completely lost the concept of what it is to MAKE sense?!

w/ that the bennet lady ghst disappeared! she told us were mcwhiskers wuz! n wear mcwhiskers wuz simon wud be closeby! we r making headway! soon the showdown will happen! toodles!

im a busy sylar lol!

srry guys no post on THIS blog 2day i am a busy sylar lol!

but u KIN check out my post @ the burnt toast diner 2 read about my knew teams practice adventure!

or if u havent already u kin read my last post n get introduced 2 my knew henchman jeremy! newayz the real adventure 2 stop simon shud start soon! til next time! toodles!

jeremiah bartholemeau christ xvii!

so in conjuction from niki/jess weve come 2 a decision! she didnt really like the choices lol n i didnt either espec since im prolly gon haf 2 spread the word of god or sumthing! nah ill prolly just kill im after lol!

newayz me niki/jess n jeremy all finly met n started 2 go ovr sum battle plans!

me!: ok jeremy wuts ur plan?

Jeremiah: Ahem. I'd prefer if you'd call me Jeremiah Bartholomeau Christ the XVII. It's the name God gave me. And if you'd prefer, you could call me Jeremiah Bartholomeau Jesus Christ the XVII.

Niki/Jess: Hey-Zeus?

Jeremiah: Indeed. The proper phonetics would be sacrilegious. Anyways, shouldn't you two be the one coming up with the plan? I mean, I'm just a henchman.

me!: us...plan? isnt that a henchmans job? thats wut i hired u for!

Niki/Jess: Well, he's too stupid, and I'm just really worried about killing people. Do you got anything?

Jeremiah: I see. Well, ironically, I do! Behold!

it wuz then that jeremy uncovered his surprize that had been sitting in the middle of the room n no1 had noticed or mentioned until now!

me!: a nukular bomb!!! awsum! this will do the job 4 sure lol! itll kill simon good n dead.

Jeremiah: No, no, no. This is not for using. It's the threat of use that will stop the Axis of Evil!

me!: but...if we used it...simon wud be dead! thats wut we want iznt it?

Niki/Jess: I can't believe I'm going to say this, but I'm going to have to agree with the holy man. Even a blind squirrel finds a nut from time to time, Jeremiah. I wouldn't want to rid the country of people to kill.

me!: but...if we used it...simon wud be dead! thats wut we want iznt it?

Niki/Jess: No!

me!: but...if we used it...simon wud be dead! thats wut we want iznt it?

Niki/Jess: You freakin' idiot!

it wuz then that niki/jess attacked me! she punched me n i went flyin akross the room n hit the wall. it hurt! ur not supposed 2 hit a girl man! how rude! she ran up 2 me 2 hit me again but i super mind trick subdued her stopped her in her tracks lol!

me!: that wuznt very nice! u hurt me! not just my body but my soul! i thought we were bffs! now...if i let u go will u play nice?

Niki/Jess: Yes.

so i let her go. she smiled at me...n then hit me again! i wuznt gonna look good 4 the next cheerleadin auditions omg! i mind trick through her akross the room. she got up n charged me again so i pushed her again! n she got up n charged me so i pushed her again! and again! then jeremy spoke up!

Jeremiah: People, please! The henchman is not supposed to be the most competant part of the operation! Niki, yes, Sylar is an idiot. Sylar, if we use the nuke, there will be no brains to eat. Is everyone happy?

me!: i nvr thought of it that way! thanx jeremy! u rly no how 2 tlk 2 me. not like sum peeps i no!

i stuck my tounge out @ niki/jess n she glared at me. i think we were gon knead 2 go shopping to kool each othr down! or maybe i cud give her a sponge bath. hopefully that wudnt make me sick lol.

oh well newayz we had r nukular threat now we just kneaded to find simon n mcwhiskers! til next time! toodles!

henchman auditions!

ok...if we were gonna take on simon cowell i figured niki n me kneaded sum a backup. a henchman! w/ 3 of us we cud totally be like a charlies angel team!

niki wuz off doin sumthing else prolly murder (oh how i luv that about her. id want to haf her babies if i didnt like boyz so much) so it wuz all up 2 me! unfortunately it looked like i wud like haf 2 haf a stupid henchman. no not bcuz i wuz following stereotypes but bcuz wenever a smart 1 cam in i cudnt let there succulent brainz go 2 waste! i ate brainz of a sniper, black belt in martial arts, n a mad scientist b4 i made ne progress lol!

newayz ill get into the 1s who survived! i had them send in photo resumes b4 they got hear bcuz i prep stuff good like that! so the 1st person wuz a hick named Jimbo.

me!: hi! how wud u be useful as my henchman?

Jimbo: Henchman? What do that there word mean? I ain't doin' no henchin'!

me!: uh ok lol. do u kill peeps?

Jimbo: I reckon I would. Especially if there be some racial profilin' involved.

me!: we knead 2 kill simon cowell from amerikan idle!

Jimbo: Simon Cowell? American Idol? I ain't gots the TV.

me!: next!!!

so that 1 didnt go 2 well! the next lady wuz named francine. i think...she wuz a forum noob! oh no!

me!: omg hi! how wud...

Francine: Oh my gosh! You know what I think? I think you are Peter Petrelli!

me!: wut?

Francine: You know how Niki has that split personality? Maybe you killed her in the future as Peter, took her power, and became Sylar. It makes sense!!!

me!: but niki is my friend!!!

Francine: You know what else? I bet you get the power of shapeshifting and turn into Sean Bean!

me!: sean bean?? ewwwww

Francine: I wonder what "Save the Cheerleader, Save the World" really means....

me!: next!

there wuz 1 more! he wuz sum jahovas witness lol the bottom of the barrel!
Jeremiah: Hello there! My name is Jeremiah Bartholomeau Christ the XVII! How are you today?

me!: uh fine thanx 4 asking! wut makes u want 2 b my henchman?

Jeremiah: Henchman? Oh no, I think you are mistaken. I have no desire for henching. I have come here to spread the word of the Lord.

me!: omg not interested! kin u kill peeps??

Jeremiah: Are there religious ramifications involved?

me!: wut?

Jeremiah: Is the perpetrator, say, Muslim?

me!: um...he CAN be!

Jeremiah: Then I suppose I may be able to help. If you decide to join my path, and help me spread the word of God, that is.

me!: uh i dont no ill haf 2 think about that 1! thank u! we haf ur number!

so there u haf it! the audition wuz ovr. i had 3 contestants n i wuznt sure wich 1 2 go with! wut do u guys think? i guess ill decide tom! toodles!

a unholy alliance!

so i just abandoned petey 2 finish off a unfinished job. wut job cud that b u ask? well stopping simon cowell of course!

i had heard that c-crest had gone rouge. i thought that that meant he wud be whereing sum prty eye makeup but apparently it means he wuz betraying simon n that wuz good enough 4 me! so i went n discretely met w/ him in my finest sunday dress. he handed me a business card n wuz off!



so i wuz totally off 2 the cave of despair lol! wen i got there it wuz kind of skerry. bats flew thru my hair n i slapped at them! brrr! i h8 bats!

newayz i kept going. i had 2 avenge urkman! he wuz counting on me!!! i new his ghost wuz smiling dwn on me, prolly eating cheese with the big guy. no not god but carl! he died of a heart attack from eating a tub of lard about a year ago. lol!



i had 2 avenge them! i reached the end of the cave n i heard a voice.

scurry voice: Sosssss you have come to kill Simonssssss have you?

hey she had a lisp! like me!

me!: um yes! is that u simon?

scurry voice: Doesssss thissss sound like a manssss voice or doessss it sound like thte voiccccce of a cat? Meow!

me!: uh i dont no simon is prty catlike lol!

it wuz then that the vile beast jumped out of the shadows! oh god wuz she ugly! i shreaked in fear and dropped 2 the ground in a ball! it wuz my catch all defense! it werked against bears bullies n ugliness! i had never scene nething that vile! she approached me and i smelt her cat breath! ewwww! i puked all ovr myself! i kneaded to tear out my eyeballs n clog my nose! she attacked scratching me with her claws! ouch! now i new wut it felt like 2 be scratched by my nails!

all of a sudden tho she stopped attacking! i wuz 2 scared 2 move i just sat there in my pool of vomit quivering in fear. i had a crippling fear of all things ugly n this...this thing wuz the ugliest i had evr scene! uglier then a redneck!

newayz after aboot 5 mins i decided 2 stand up. i saw her. the girl i wanted 2 go shopping w/ omg! it wuz niki from burnt toast! or wuz it jessica? prolly her since she had a gun in her hand n we all no how whiney n unagressive niki is lol!

i new she had pwrs but i figured we cud help each othr! plus i haf no need for strength becuz i haf soft dainty hands. i didnt knead her craziness pwr either bcuz well...i think i haf enough of that lol! it seemed that she had sum problem w/ the cat lady who werked 4 simon. we decided we wud help each othr take r oppressors out! her vengeance may not b as important as vengeance for urkman (wut cud be more important than urkman!!!!) but if she kin help me out its wrth it! espec since as long as cat lady is in the way ill nvr be able 2 reach simon wut with my weak tummy!

newayz we had formed r unholy alliance! 2gether we cud take out simon n cat lady! but...maybe we knead a henchman 2? mayb!

heartbreak n showdowns n haircuts oh my!

its official. mohindy n i r no longer a item. i tried n tried 2 make it werk but he just wuznt putting the same effort into it i wuz! add that 2 the fact that he wuz a total tease by the end n i new it wuz over. hear look!


look at him whispering sweet nothings in my ear! n then did he put out? no! in fact he tried 2 kill me! i let peeps do a lot of things 2 me but trying 2 kill me totally isnt 1 of them! he had 2 pay hehehe.

so i flung him up onto the ceiling n he totally cried wen i shoved his assorted collection of sporks thru his body 2 totally keep him in place. r sporks indian utensils? i guess so. they haf them at kfc n wuts more indian than that! newayz he wuz cryin up their n i wuz hungry for brain but i didnt eat his cuz even tho i totally hated him now i still had sum feelings 4 him.



newayz! next came anuther total whiner! he wuz even worse than mohindy n mohindy wuz impaled by sporks!

emo clown: Boo hoo. Simone. Why? Death and darkness. My eyes are clouded with shadow. Or is that mascara?

while he wuz whining i jumped out of the shadows totally ambushing him like a crazy jack nickelson chasing a weiner kid thru a hedge maze! xcept i didnt haf an axe n rnt crazy n am better looking. i force pushed him against the wall n mind tricked his skull. but his skull wasnt the only thing i cut! i also trimmed his hair!

emo clown: My hair! NOOOooOOOoOOocoOOoOOOOoOO!



just as i wuz about 2 kill him i realized sumthing. i had more important matters 2 attend 2! so i sporked him 2 the wall n set up mohindys iv on him so he cudnt use his...er my pwr! looked like their wuz about 5 weaks of iv stuff 2 hold him dwn. hmm that seemed just write lol! i pulled a couple brainz out of my pocket (kept 4 emergencies) and put 1 next to emo clown n sporked the other 2 the ceiling next 2 mohindy. that shud keep them alive n kickin 4 a while!

i guess ill resume my murder about 5 weaks from now. until then i haf sum simon 2 hunt! toodles!

navigater sylar!

so i wuz on the track of sum1 who cud give me a pwr so i cud fly a plane hopefully! i wuz looking 4ward 2 being pilot sylar that wud be hella cool!

newayz my totally awsum pwr of noing how things werk led me 2 the boyz bathroom. even tho im not allowed in there i went in newayz. there wuz this guy in a pilots uniform standing at the sink. success!

me!: u look hot in that uni. r u a pilot?

the man looked at me funny as i had a lustful smile on my face.

plane man: No, I'm a navigator.

i sniffed the man. yes he had a pwr!

me!: a navigater? wut made u want 2 bcome a nav? do u ever feel...special? like...a cheerleader who nails her routine?

plane man: If you'll excuse me...

as plane man went 2 leave i locked the door shut with my mind trick. he looked at me in like total fear lol! i mind tricked him into a stall n totally shoved his head in a toilet. swirlee time! i stuck my hand in the wtr w/ him n with my new pwrs of static electricity i zapped the wtr n totally gave him the swirlee of death! kinda like the kiss of death only not quite as much fun 4 me but still a good time! lol. newayz i took the brain from his lifeless corpse and feasted away. now i have the pwrs of navigation!


lol look i kin totally do all these things now! ive done the truck and soon the plane mayb 1 day a boat? who knows!

newayz, unfortunately i still didnt haf the pwr of flying so i wud haf 2 smooth talk my way onto a flight n we all no how good a smooth talker i am lol! so i put on the navs uni and rejoined mohindy who wuz quite surprised to find me wearing 1. i told him my job...zanes job...wuz that of a flight navigator n he believed me! god hes dumb. thank god hes got that ass!

newayz i tried 2 get on our flight but the lady at the door still wudnt let mohindy in. so i mind tricked her subtletly slamming her head on the desk multiple times. mohindy wuz concerned 4 her he didnt realize it wuz me who did that but i told her we shud just get on or we wud be late! wen otherz came 2 help her he agreed.

he took a seat n i went up front w/ the pilot. i had 2 b on my best behavior!

pilot: Where's Joe?

me!: I saw him in the bathroom. I think he ate some bad enchiladas. He wanted me to take over. Name's Zane. Zane Taylor. :knowing evil smile:

lol i sounded so funny talking like that but i had 2! i cudnt mind trick my way out of this 1 i had 2 haf this pilot trust me so we cud fly! newayz he did. n i used my new GPS like pwrs 2 get us 2 wear we had 2 go!



so evrything werked out! mohindy got on the plane despite his races' terrorism and maize farming i got a new pwr and we r off 2 were we knead 2 go! now the only thing left 2 worry about is simon! ill wrry about him l8r. ttyl!

time 2 move on

well mohindys been gettin suspicious so we knead 2 move on. we cudnt find the fat dislexic guy who shot me n itz only a matter of time b4 they find me 4 destroying amerikan idle n showdowning with voltron simon (hmm kinda weird how i continue 2 allude authorities despite my total lack of disguise other then girly clothes)!

newayz it wuz time 2 be off 2 the airport 2 get outta here n go on 2 the next hero. hopefully it will be simon so i kin foil him n avenge urkman! i wuz worried that we wudnt be able 2 get thru security bcuz of mohindy. look how suspicious he looks!!!

now i no wut ur thinking! i am not racist or racially ignorant! just bcuz mohindys race blows up thing w/ car bombs n scalps white settlers doesnt mean i think mohindy wud do those things! if i did wud i have come so close to giving him a sponge bath? of course not silly lol!

newayz the only way we wud get thru here wud be thru my pwrs of seduction! i threw on the slutiest lookin thing i had n start usin my britney spears siren song!



it didnt werk very well lol. they tackled me n brought me 2 customs 2 slap around a lil bit (wich ironically tends 2 turn me on). wen they realized i didnt haf any weapons hidden in my body cavities (wich also turned me on lol) they let me go. i didnt haf 2 kill ne1 either yay! newayz sumhow mohindy got thru without my help 2. he asked if i cud spot him 4 the tickets this time. poor mohindy n his cab drivin career doesnt pay 2 much i guess lol!

unfortunatly 4 me, being the freeloading princess brain eating cereal killer that i wuz i didnt haf ne money either! luckily tho i sensed a pwr nearby! it seemd like sumthing that cud help! this cud be the ticket we need! pilot sylar any1? lol! ill let u no about it next time!

a amerikan showdown!

this is it! it happened! the showdown 2 end all showdowns! no not my locker flingin hissy fit with whiney peter or my force pushin of mr glasses. no it wuz bigger than that! i guess i shud like backup a lil tho.

it wuz time...time 4 the votes 2 be cast! whoever wuz moving on wud b announced! dreamy c-crest took the stage.

Seacrest: OMG guys. It is time to announce who is moving on!

sylarz: omg c-crest i hope itz me! if not ill prolly have 2 kill u guys.

Seacrest: Oh, Niki, that's what I love about you. Your spunk and humorous attitude!

sylarz: omg yea ill like totally joking lol! :wink wink:

Seacrest: And the winners are...(other namez here not sylarz) not Niki!

i thought i cud handle myself. i wuz going 2 handle my defeat gracefully...until bad man simon opened his mouth

Simon: Bloody Hell, thank you! You ignorant viewers finally got one right. This woman is the ugliest thing that I have ever had the displeasure of viewing. Her five o'clock shadow burns my retinas. And her singing, my God, the singing. You sound like Britney Spears on heroin! Which, consequently, is what she sounds like these days anyways.

ok i wuz gonna let them get away with my loss but not nemore! and n sissy pwrs this time! i wuz pullin out the big guns! SUPER MIND TRICK! with a flash bang boom rafters were falling down n crushing peeps death n destruction evrywhere! i ovrloaded the audio equipment (yes sumtimes waves of brilliant ideas ovrtake me. they dont happen often though) n they xploded! fire evrywhere!

well most of the audience n crew wuz dead it wuz time 2 deal with the 3 ninjas aka fat guy old girl n simon the evildoer. all of a sudden simon stepped in front 2 protect his 2 minions. this wud be easy i thought.

but then sumthing ELSE happened! i sensed it. his pwr! he had 1 2! all the destroyed techie stuff suddenly flew towards him and he congealed into sum sort of horrible monster! n sumhow all the equipment took the form of lions!



it wuz all set 4 a monster show down. he wuz like the size of a svetlana xcept in all directions n not just wide! the voltron simon xtended his lion arms in fightin stance n i adopted my ninja mind trick style.

but b4 we cud do nething sumthing ELSE happened.

steve urkel a diehard american idol fan stepped between us!

Urkman: STOOOOOOOOOOOOOP!

me n simon looked at him in confusion

Urkman: How could you do this? You guys used to be friends!

Simon: No, we didn't.

sylarz: yeah hes a meanie head! but i luv u urkman!

Urkman: Well if the Big Guy taught me anything, it's that friends don't fight over things like this. It's just American Idol guys! This is nothing to lose a friend over.

Simon: American Idol is NOTHING?

with that voltron simon stepped on steve crushing every bone in his body.

Urkman: Help, I've fallen and I can't get up!

sylarz: urkman!

n then urkman uttered his final words. as he died he said this:

Urkman: Got any cheese? :dies:

sylarz: NOOOOoooOOOooOOOoOOoocooOOOOOOooO!!!!!!!!!!!!

i glared at simon w/ glare in my eyes. this time itz totally personal!

i ran up 2 him w/ speeding speed! i new exactly wut pwr 2 use! my knew one! i touched him and statically shocked his body! the current totally ran up the metal lions and like zapped simon! his hair stood up and he trembled from shockiness!

Simon: You've won this round, Sylar, but you haven't seen the last of me!

n with that fat one n old chick jumped up onto voltron simon n they blasted a whole in the ceiling. they flew out laughing evilly. even more evilly than my girlish giggle! i shook my fist at them cursing their existance

i new this wudnt be the last id see of them. i had an urkman 2 avenge. ill get u 1 day simon my knew arch nemesis!!!