Saturday, March 17, 2007
Fishing for Truth!!!
Guest poster: Spoon Fed
sylarz returns in 2 days!
This was the mission to end all missions!!!!
I was after a great EVIL-DOER!!!
For years, six seasons and counting, he has been sending manipulative messages using subliminal signals hidden in heinous insults and riverdance!!!!!
Thanks to an order he placed on eBay, I found his hidden lair! He bought two tons of bananas and a pig, obviously he was up to evil! The shipping instructions gave coordinates in the ocean to drop a waterproof package! I had to get there!! I'd need a Mexican fisherman for this.
Luckily, I found one. Se llama Paco, whatever that means!! I stood on the dock and yelled at him. "Quick!! You must get me to here now or we'll all die!!!"
He showed me his crab.
I slapped the conspirator out of his hands, sending it back to the depths of the ocean to plan their crab uprising. A problem that would have to wait. Simon was the bigger threat!
Several hours later (Mexican time) we arrived at the location. I hooked up with satellites in space and was able to get a GPS signal!! "This is it!" I screamed into the fisherman's face. I quickly disrobed and equipped my scuba outfit.
"Joo go underwater?" the man said to me.
"How do you know I'm Jewish??!?!?!" I grabbed the man by his mustache and ripped it off. Just as I suspected!!!
He was none other than Howard Dean!! An evil-doer who recently failed to become a grand evil-doer. I thought he had gone away, quit the evil business. I thought wrong!! He was back and attempting to thwart me!
I spit in his face! "Take that! I voted for Lieberman!!!"
"Ha! You would," he said, pulling out a handkerchief. He wiped the spit from his face. "He's nothing but a Republican in a blue tie."
As I was about to offer my rebuttal, he Kung Fu-ed me in the face! I fell backwards off the boat!!! My oxygen tank was weighing me down! I kept descending further and further into the ocean!!! It was what they planned all along!
I had to do something. I started kicking my feet! The flippers worked wonders on the water and I was propelled downward toward a large underwater base!!
"This must be Simon's headquarters," I said in bubbly underwater talk!
And then I saw undeniable proof! I must have proof before breaking into underwater bases. It would be unethical to barge into someone's base mistakenly. But this base had a submarine attempting to dock with it. Not just any submarine!!! It was a submarine flying a Islamic flag!!!
Muslims...the new Nazis, as I call them! Simon had clearly made a pact with the devil! This particular Islamofundamentalist was crashing into everything and everyone in his way! It's like he couldn't parallel park. It's a wonder how these people get their taxi license!
Like a cat, I darted...well, like an aquatic cat, I darted into the...well, maybe like a fish...I...like a flounder! I darted, like a flounder, around to the back of the base.
Then I saw the door! It was a big door! A scary door! A door of few words!! But the words were important and to the point!
"SIMON'S SECRET ENTRANCE"
I went inside!!
It was dark!
The door vacuumed shut behind me. I was trapped! And I could not see a thing!!
I scanned the area for computers. Surely an elaborate underwater base would have their lighting on a remotely controlled system!
"Security Cameras Off"
"Trap Doors Off"
There! What the heck, I'll turn 'em all on!
"Security Cameras On"
"Trap Doors On"
The light nearly blinded me. Suddenly I could see where I was. It was Simon's room. But I didn't see him anywhere!!
Then I saw it. The most offensive thing I've ever seen!! A Christmas tree!! Who puts a Christmas tree in their bedroom?!?! They do!! It must be an evil Christmas tree!
I walked over and saw a large window looking down into what was obviously the scheming room! I could feel the eerie presence of schemes long gone. It terrified me to think of the evil that must have been schemed within that room.
Then, three people walked up. More evil-doers!
But they weren't. One girl fell down a hole. The guy was pulled up by a rope! Leaving the one girl all alone by herself!
Then he appeared!! Simon Cowell!!! His huge head talked to the lady. I yelled at her, "Destroy Simon!!" She ignored me!! Perhaps she couldn't hear me!! She was distracted by the giant head and didn't even notice them approaching from the rafters!! "Look up you fool!" I warned!
But my warning went unheard. Unheard by the woman, at least. It did seem to attract the attention of Simon's most sinister underling.
"Hold it right there, missy!" he said.
"A simple henchman is no match for Spoon Fed!" I said!
He replied, "I'm no henchman. I'm the pool boy!"
"Why would anyone have a pool in an underwater base????"
"It's called eccentricity," he said.
"Oh," I replied! I kicked up my foot and pulled off my flipper. "Bring it!" I said taunting him with it!!
He lunged at me with a scream and I slapped him with the scuba shoe!!
He fell into the Christmas tree! As I was about to finish him off, I received a message from cyberspace.
"Help, Help, Hana Help!!"
It was the man in horn-rimmed glasses!! He needed me! This was my chance to get the truth!!! And maybe kill him! If he's still evil!!
I left the man sitting with an angel in his butt and opened Simon's Secret Door. I swam back up to the ocean. My boat was there, but Mr. Dean was no where to be seen! I took off my scuba gear!!
As soon as I got fully dressed, he appeared! He must have been hiding in the tackle box! He swung at me, and I dodged! Then I kicked him in the chest and sent him flying out of the boat.
"Yeeeeeeeeeaaaaaah!!!!!" he screamed before drowning to death!