Friday, March 16, 2007
Battle of the Henchman!
Guest Poster: Jeremiah Bartholomeau Christ the XVII
Greetings all! The name's Jeremiah Bartholomeau Christ the XVII! Have you found God in your life? Does Jesus' love light your path? I hope so! But I can't get into all this conversion talk right now. I'm afraid my "master," as he likes to be called, may be worried about me. Though we all know there is only one TRUE master of any being. Anyways, here I am, recording the events of my recent battle in Sylar's blog so he may ease his mind.
After ascending to what I thought to be Heaven, I realized I was just in a darkened room. Figures. Anyways I stood in darkness for a while, until the lights flipped on, and I realized that while I may not be in Heaven, I was at the next best place: the set of Deal or No Deal! I had always suspected that NBC filmed it in a secret underwater lair!
Anyways, the studio was empty, and I knew there was going to be a confrontation. This was the evil lair of Simon Cowell and his minions, after all. After a moment, HE stepped out of the shadows, standing before me.
Jeremiah: Howie Mandel?! You are in allegiance with Simon?
Howie: Well, no, not exaactly. But he is.
Howie pointed to a window on the top level of the set. In the shadows sat the evil banker, one of Simon's most trusted allies. I gulped when I realized what was up against.
Jeremiah: I have to stop him!
Howie: I'm afraid...you're going to have to get through me.
Jeremiah: But...you're Howie Mandel! Everyone knows you're the cleanest soul around! You even have a soul patch! I can't kill you!
Howie: Few, well, that's a relief. I can't kill people, either. I try to look like a tough guy with this bald head and soul patch, but really, I'm a pretty boy.
Jeremiah: So...what do we do now?
All of a sudden, the phone rang. Howie answered it.
Uh huh....Yeah...Ok, I'll tell him.
Howie hung up the phone and looked at me.
Howie: He wants to offer you a deal. He says that I am one of the worst henchman he's ever had working for him. He wants a replacement. He wants that replacement to be you. All you have to do is kill me, and then you can work for him for better pay than whatever your current henching fee is. So what'll it be, Deal...or No Deal?
Jeremiah: I can't kill you!
Howie: He's waiting for an answer.
Howie flipped open the box. Underneath it was a shiny button. It looked so pretty and red, and begged me to press it. But I was stoic! I slammed down the cover to the box and shouted "No Deal!" triumphantly.
The phone rang again, and Howie answered. He talked with the banker for a moment, and hung up.
Howie: He says you've got him on the ropes. His offer's gotten even better. Now, it's the same offer as before, AND you get baptized by a holy man, AND he'll let you convert him, AND he'll give you free Muslims to kill every week. All you have to do is kill me. So what do you say. Deal....or No Deal?
The shiny button was uncovered again. This was quite the inticing offer! That banker really knew how to play hard ball. He was a villain of the highest order! I looked over to the area where my friends would be. Of course, it was empty. This was not fair! I had no one to discuss this situation with! Or did I? How could I have forgotten: God, he'd know the answer! I knelt down to pray.
Awww, God didn't want me to do it, He said the sin of killing Howie Mandel could never be forgiven. With great disappointment, I shut the cover to the box, and said meekly, "No deal."
Howie: Hmmm, it seems we are in a stalemate.
The phone rang one more time. Howie answered and talked to the banker. He hung up.
Howie: Alright, here's the deal. He says that since it seems you're not willing to bend on the whole "killing Howie" issue, and since I'm too incompetant to destroy you myself, he says he'll let you go if you at least kick me in the nuts. So what do you think of that? Deal...or no deal?
Well, that one didn't take much thought. With a swift kick to the holy Howie's groin, I shouted "Deal!" Confetti dropped and music blared as I won the game! The banker said that he would let me go as soon as Sylar's confrontation with Simon was complete. Now, all I have to do is sit here and wait til that happens. I wonder how Niki is doing?