Sunday, March 18, 2007

Death by Tuna

Guest poster: Niki
sylarz returns in 1 day!!!!!!

Niki here, stopping by at Sylar's request to share my showdown with the Cat Lady with him and all his readers. Don't worry, he'll show his pretty face again tomorrow when he finally faces his arch enemy, Simon. Now, where to begin…

Sylar was leading and the holy man was at my side when all of a sudden I was plunged into darkness. I was falling, but I stayed calm, knowing that my ninja like skills would grace me with a smooth landing. Jessica had been in control for a while, but her hatred of the feline species was stronger than her pride, and I could smell reek of the evil creatures even as I fell.

I hit the bottom with a quick tumble and jumped to my feet. Sure enough, the eyes of thousands of devil spawn were on me. Watching as I took in my surroundings, carefully and silently. There seemed to be a bridge ahead. I made my way through the darkness until I reached the foot of it. Sparkly gold letters read "Follow the yellow paws". Seems like my nemesis not only loved cats, but also the Wizard of Oz. Another log to fuel the fire of hate that burns inside the furnace that is my heart!



I crossed the bridge, looking down from time to time. If this was a trick, I'd have to be just as cat-like as she! I could see what looked like mountains of kitty litter below. Shiny blue gems gleamed up between the glowing eyes of the devil spawn. Must be Fresh Step. Too bad it didn't help the smell.

The other side of the bridge revealed a slim passage way. Dog skulls were mounted on the stone walls, their mouths serving as holders for bone shaped torches. These cats had a sick sense of humor.

The paw steps continued into an enormous room. Cats hissed and clawed in an orgy of feline cries. "Show yourself!" I yelled. The noise died down completely and thousands of glaring eyes shot to me. An old wheezy hiss echoed from somewhere ahead.

The sea of shiny eyes parted like I was Moses himself! Except a blond, sexy, and leaning more towards atheism Moses. Mosa. There, that sounds better. Or Mora, I always like that name. If I ever went into the Adult film industry… well, that's a thought better to be saved for another blog post!

With the masses divided I had a clear view of the Cat Lady's Scratching Post of Doom. It stood tall with no land below it, supported solely by a pair of thick chains at top. My hand rested on my gun, in case I had to blow any brave kittens away. I walked until I was close enough to see the Cat Lady's evil eyes in the darkness of her lair.

"You're on your ninth life" I called. "Let's end this, woman to freakish cat woman."

What I didn't realize then was that she had undergone some terrible transformation. Years spent in the company of no one but these Meow Mix eating fiends had slowly begun her development of catish characteristics.

I couldn't help but notice that there was little human left to her as the beast dove at me.

She was quick, but I was quicker. I rolled forward and she landed a fair distance behind me. Her size was gigantic. She was bigger than any cat I'd ever seen, and I've seen my share of cougars.

"You've gotten uglier!" I exclaimed in shock. I never imagined she could become more hideous than she had been!

It was apparent that her human voice was forever lost when she responded "yeaaaw"

We circled each other slowly, our eyes glaring, our muscles tense, in typical showdown fashion, when she lept at me again. Sighing, I glanced at something I'd noticed upon walking in: the giant tuna cans stored on the ledges above us. Taking aim, I shot at a large crack under one of the cans. With a loud thunder it came rolling down, heading straight for us. I moved aside, narrowly avoiding a collision with the speeding tuna. The Cat Lady's eyes grew large and she sprang for the safety of her scratching post lair. She picked the wrong hole however, and the can of tuna hit her head on, spilling tuna juice all over her beastly body. Looked like I wouldn't get the Hollywood showdown I deserved.

She cried out in agony as all of her kitty minions sprang at her, hungry for a lick of tuna juice. I listened to her death cries with a smile. They were beautifully excruciating.



When the bloodcurdling shrieks stopped, I realized my vengeance had been fulfilled. She would never spoon spank another child again. The feline army was still gathering around the scratching post, and I noticed a few hungry glances flashing my way. I decided to make my escape before I overstayed my welcome.

Sylar and the holy man could handle themselves, I decided, abandoning any thought of searching for a way back up from where I came. Instead I proceeded deeper into a set of tunnels behind the Scratching Post of Doom.

Luckily for me the Cat Lady had a submarine stored in a hidden section of the base. I emptied the bags of cat litter abandoned inside and started the button mashing process. It worked with Mortal Combat, and everyone knows video game strategies are pretty reliable.

The doors opened below the sub and I was on my way. Passing Howard Dean's bloated body brought another smile to my face. Hopefully Sylar and the holy man will find me on the surface. Surely they couldn't have been defeated…

4 comments:

Sylar said...

u left w/out us niki! how cud u!!!! im glad u got rid of ur ugly kitty nemesis tho :)

=o said...

OHMGG scary kitens. Hiro save us and make sushi from them

Mr. Bennet said...

Mortal Kombat.

Edward Udora said...

I'm more of a Soul Calibur guy myself.