Thursday, March 8, 2007

henchman auditions!

ok...if we were gonna take on simon cowell i figured niki n me kneaded sum a backup. a henchman! w/ 3 of us we cud totally be like a charlies angel team!

niki wuz off doin sumthing else prolly murder (oh how i luv that about her. id want to haf her babies if i didnt like boyz so much) so it wuz all up 2 me! unfortunately it looked like i wud like haf 2 haf a stupid henchman. no not bcuz i wuz following stereotypes but bcuz wenever a smart 1 cam in i cudnt let there succulent brainz go 2 waste! i ate brainz of a sniper, black belt in martial arts, n a mad scientist b4 i made ne progress lol!

newayz ill get into the 1s who survived! i had them send in photo resumes b4 they got hear bcuz i prep stuff good like that! so the 1st person wuz a hick named Jimbo.

me!: hi! how wud u be useful as my henchman?

Jimbo: Henchman? What do that there word mean? I ain't doin' no henchin'!

me!: uh ok lol. do u kill peeps?

Jimbo: I reckon I would. Especially if there be some racial profilin' involved.

me!: we knead 2 kill simon cowell from amerikan idle!

Jimbo: Simon Cowell? American Idol? I ain't gots the TV.

me!: next!!!

so that 1 didnt go 2 well! the next lady wuz named francine. i think...she wuz a forum noob! oh no!

me!: omg hi! how wud...

Francine: Oh my gosh! You know what I think? I think you are Peter Petrelli!

me!: wut?

Francine: You know how Niki has that split personality? Maybe you killed her in the future as Peter, took her power, and became Sylar. It makes sense!!!

me!: but niki is my friend!!!

Francine: You know what else? I bet you get the power of shapeshifting and turn into Sean Bean!

me!: sean bean?? ewwwww

Francine: I wonder what "Save the Cheerleader, Save the World" really means....

me!: next!

there wuz 1 more! he wuz sum jahovas witness lol the bottom of the barrel!
Jeremiah: Hello there! My name is Jeremiah Bartholomeau Christ the XVII! How are you today?

me!: uh fine thanx 4 asking! wut makes u want 2 b my henchman?

Jeremiah: Henchman? Oh no, I think you are mistaken. I have no desire for henching. I have come here to spread the word of the Lord.

me!: omg not interested! kin u kill peeps??

Jeremiah: Are there religious ramifications involved?

me!: wut?

Jeremiah: Is the perpetrator, say, Muslim?

me!: um...he CAN be!

Jeremiah: Then I suppose I may be able to help. If you decide to join my path, and help me spread the word of God, that is.

me!: uh i dont no ill haf 2 think about that 1! thank u! we haf ur number!

so there u haf it! the audition wuz ovr. i had 3 contestants n i wuznt sure wich 1 2 go with! wut do u guys think? i guess ill decide tom! toodles!


Kitty said...

I think you should just hold another audition. Those choices suck. But it would be quite funny to see the holy man killing people in the name of god, although maybe his religion might get in your way...

Mr. Bennet said...

Hey, it's me. I managed to get my Blackberry back from that transforming witch.

Anyway, being an expert on henchmen hiring, I'd say go with option #3. People of faith are easily manipulated. Hicks tend to have certain virtues such as "Don't pee into the wind" and "You shoot my paw, I shoot you!" Forum n00bs are just annoying. They also seem incapable of progressing, therefore you'd have to start each mission with a clean slate, explaining to them what the mission is, what the word 'mission' means and remind them you're their boss.

But religious people just need a "Because God said so" and they'll do it.

When you're done with Simon, maybe you can come free me? I'm starting to give up on all hope for Hana's brilliant rescue.

D.L. Hawkins said...

Kitty, I'd have to disagree...people LOVE to kill others in the name of god/religion. But I digress. Why is my wife there?! Sylar are you trying to steal my woman?!

Niki said...

Holy men are stupid, I might end up killing him :(

Kitty said...

No DL, Sylar isn't trying to take your woman, he's gay remember?