Two days. That's how long I had been lying on that table in my cell thanks to the drugs they'd given me. My reaction to them is surprising. It seems my mind has been divided into two sections. Internally, I'm thinking clearer than I ever have. I feel sane, a feeling I cannot remember feeling...for a long time. It feels wonderful to be able to process thoughts intelligently, but of course, the pros always have to be taken with the cons.
Externally, my insanity has taken the form of horrifying hallucinations. I have been so paralyzed by the terror of them that I haven't moved an inch. Only today did I get the courage to crawl over to my laptop and record my thoughts, for I am afraid I will either eventually return to my old self, or die from the terror of these things I am seeing.
Looking over some of my blog posts, I can not believe some of the things I've done...murder...cannibalism...cross-dressing. I can't even believe the way I talk!
This is not who I am!
Maybe I should give you some examples of the depth of insanity of "Sylar..." of me...These images are representations of the things that I have been seeing with my waking eyes. These are normally things that go on inside my head; they are part of my psych, the things that make me....tick. Take a look, and try not to vomit.
This...is the world I live in now. I do not see the small cell I have been staying in, but rather this world, full of unicorns, fairies, and rainbows. But that's not all I see...
This is the object of my lust. I cannot help it! I see them in front of me as I type this entry. It disgusts me that I could ever be attracted to...this, but here they are, flexing their hard bodies in front of me. My desire, while no longer in my mind, has materialized. I am scared.
And finally, I can picture myself...myself many years ago...in one of my first Halloween costumes.
Oh cruel fate, why must you torture me with this love of brains? The thought of it now makes me nauseous, but I know once these drugs wear off, this boy will once again return to my personality, and my addiction to brains will continue.
I do not know which is worse...having to think these thoughts for all my life, or seeing them in front of me. Come to think of it, there was only one other time when I could see things this clearly, when I could see the folly of my ways. I can see her now. Her sillouhette in the gleam of light reflecting off the dancer's chest. That was the one time I was almost...normal.
But now, I know not where my fate takes me. Maybe, the drugging will continue, and I will be able to continue my observations. Or maybe, my visions themselves will drive me a new level of insanity, one that even I have never reached before. Or maybe, the drugging will cease, and my mind will become foggy again. I know not. All I hope for now is to be able to make another post on this blog, to not descend further into insanity, or even death.
Wish me luck,